I'm trying to decide what is worse: Pulmonary emboli or cancer. Quite honestly, I find the whole concept of having multiple clots in me (that could decide to move and kill me) a lot scarier than the lymphoma. At least with the lymphoma I knew it wasn't going to move much and my risk of instant death was pretty slim. Yes the chemo is shit (and gave me the blood clots) but at the moment I'm stuck in bed and when I walk about I get out breath. Also got headaches and totally paranoid about having clots in my legs and neck (as these areas weren't checked). I'm sure there are none but everyone says how ports can give you clots and it's playing on my mind. But I've lived through a clot before and I can do it again!!

I want to start being healthy again soon and healing my body - not sure how well exercise is going to go now my lungs are bummered, but I guess I just take it slowly and do my best! And by 2014 everything should be fine :)

For me at the moment the big thing is do I stop the chemo? If my PET is clear and I don't have cancer are the risks of having a cardiac arrest and/or a stroke greater than the risk of cancer? I think most people will agree, the risk of cancer is a better option as I can optimise my immune system through diet and eradicate the risk. Whereas if I have heart failure or a stroke due to more clotting because I continue chemo, I'm pretty fucked for life.

Anyone reading this who is healthy, please don't take your health for granted. Look after yourself and don't make excuses which prevent you from being the best you you can be. I'm reading this book called "Anti-cancer; a new way of life" by Dr David Servan-Schreiber. I recommend it to everyone. Cancer or no cancer. At the end of the day giving up crap and preventing illness is so much easier than being ill. So put down your burger, grab an apple and take up exercise :)

I know that I've been depressive and grumpy recently (it's not usually how I am). I'm just a bit fed up and all of this is a lot of deal with. My nausea has been horrific and I honestly can't describe how bad it is. And now with the clots and the breathing and the extra worry I kinda feel like I've been drowned in poop this year. When I thought bad couldn't get worse, it got extra worse. But I'm praying and hoping it's all good from here. And in a few weeks I'll be bouncing about, happy as Larry!

And then I would like to inspire people to live better. Also would like to go on a very long holiday to a nice exotic beach location where I can scuba and relax and have fun.

blood clots

6 days after chemo.... feel like shit. Incredibly nauseated and can't breathe properly :( went to hospital today to check it out (so not fun when nauseated). Turns out I have multiple pulmonary emboli (blood clots of the lung). Which is crap. So now I'm on fragmin injections. Woop.

I wish my nausea would go away. It's so horrible.

3b

Had my 6th chemo on Friday - threw up again and feel like absolute shit still. I am so fed up. I can't shift this nausea and vomiting, which keeps getting worse :( I've tried it all now and yeh.... doesn't work. I can't begin to put into words how horrific nausea and vomiting is. I figured I'd reached the worst it was gonna be but this time proved me wrong. Just wish is was over with now. I've had enough. I'm pretty much bed bound because when I move I need to be sick.

I don't think anyone really gets what a shit time it is either. They act like it's all daisies and butterflies. "Only two more to go, nothing to worry about!" - well you try having two chemotherapies and vomiting your guts up and your whole life just stopping and everyone just acting like nothing is wrong. Stuff is wrong. I'm having chemo.... I need support. I need comforting. I'm not made of metal.

Just had enough of all of it this weekend.

my wig

Ages ago i said I'd post pictures of my wig.... so here we are :)

bleugh

I had chemo again on friday and had a chit chat about the PET screw up. My consultant couldn't 100% guarantee which PET was right/wrong if it in fact either were mine but he's pretty sure the one showing no more cancer is the right now. I had a look at it myself but couldn't really make much sense of it. So it's pretty much wait 2 more cycles, have another PET and see what it says then. My hope is that in 1 month and 10 days I will be vomiting from my last ever chemo!!

So I was told to take ativan (2mg) before my chemo on Friday and some other sedative. I vomited twice whilst the chemo was going on (god I hate chemo) and felt like shit. But slept for most of the weekend and don't really recall much of what happened. Today (Monday) I didn't take any sedatives (mainly because they make me too drowsy and then emotional when I wake up confused and disorientated) and have felt pretty nauseated all day. I'm wearing travel sickness bands but they're pretty useless. funny thing is I seem to need to eat more for the first few days after chemo and that helps with the nausea if I eat stodge like bread. not sure why. All I know is hunger make my nausea worse (I'm not normal).

My mouth is starting to get sore and I'm having hot flushes again but hey ho.

I have discovered that marks and spencer do fantastic lingerie for my bloated chemo body. Nice and comfy. Makes me feel less so stodgy. And the puppy is the best puppy in the world now. She's adorable and comes and cuddles me when I'm sad and is toilet trained and loving.

My boyfriend and I are going to Pula on Saturday for 3 days just to get away for a bit - will be nice. Hopefully sunshine, ice cream, pizza and beaches :) Then back in time for blood tests and more chemo. Yay!!!!

I can't begin to say how fed up I am. My emotions have been up and down and I've just had enough. But I'm getting there and I'll get through this.... slowly but surely.

OMG

Miracles do happen!!! Today my consultant called me (i bet he felt awkward) to tell me they royally fucked up. Basically some stupid radiologist read my PET scan wrong (how? I do not know) and I don't actually have any cancer cells left in my body :D and I don't need a SCT :D buuuut I do have to continue with the evil ABVD for another 2 cycles. BUT this means all my plans can still go through and yay.... I'm happy about it :) :) I have been beside myself with worry about my treatment and really distraught so, although I am cross I was put through that for no reason, I am glad they were wrong!!

so here's back to hoping for remission in July.... WHOOP!!

next steps

I had my consultation today at Exeter and discussed what's next. My consultant said that I could have ESHAP followed by BEAM followed by a stem cell transplant or BEACOPP. He advised I did not have BEACOPP as it's still in trial stages and he doesn't know what the long term side effects of it are yet, or how effective it is. So he suggested I go for the stem cell transplant of my own stem cells. As BEACOPP could be a waste of time that does me more harm than good. And he wants to avoid giving me pointless chemo. So I went with is know - how and chose to go the stem cell route.

So now I have to have a biopsy to double check the active cells are still Hodgkin's and then I will begin ESHAP chemotherapy followed by BEAM and then the stem cell transplant. Hopefully this will irradicate the cancer. Fingers crossed!!

I'm not entirely looking forward to it but at least I get two weeks off now to enjoy myself before the crap happens again. So that's a positive I suppose.

and maybe it's not even cancer eh? Although I won't hold my breath.

Fuck it

Bad news peoples... the cancer is thriving! ABVD hasn't worked ahhhhhhhhhhh!! so tomorrow we're going to discus my options. I am obviously mortified and thought because I had been so poorly with the chemo that the cancer would be dead. But it's not and the chemo has done nothing but make me feel sick. I guess I just wait and see what my options are and find out how bad it is. I hope it hasn't spread too much or anything. Please pray for me or whatever that what we try next works. And I will keep on blogging....