Blessed

I just wanted to say that I feel blessed. It feels like only yesterday, but 6 months ago I stopped having chemotherapy and I got to move on with my life. Other people aren't so lucky and I am thankful for the health I have now been given (fingers crossed it continues to improve). I still get tired and emotional at times, but I have learned so much. I have learned how to be stronger and how to appreciate the smaller things. It's made me truly consider what is important and what I want from my life.

I sat and asked myself, if I got ill again and there was no cure for me, what would make me disappointed that I hadn't done it? And then I realised it's those things that I need to do and to not live with regrets, but with hope and appreciation and wonder. 

Life is precious and so many people waste it doing things they don't enjoy and missing out on the magical moments. For me, I really want to travel and experience the World and culture. I also want to make a difference and help protect endangered animals and save nature from our destruction. And perhaps be a very successful actress too ;) Not much then, right?

It's funny how I see the World now. I drove across a river in Cornwall a few weeks back and the serenity of the moment made me cry. I suppose being ill makes you feel vulnerable, when before you feel like nothing can break you and it will always be someone else. Especially when your 24.... 

I have so much left to fulfill in my life. So much good to do. And I just hope I can achieve it. Not all of it will be pleasant, but it will be meaningful and that's what is important. Sometimes it's the road untravelled which is the best route.

I hope that others can learn from me to appreciate their lives and to do what they love, not what they think they need to do.

Thank you, to whomever gave me the chance to live. I am grateful.

Hello :)

I haven't written in a while so thought I would. I am doing okay. Still on the warfarin and get tired very, very easily. I hear this can last some time after chemo. But I am exercising and this week I started Jason Vale's 7 day juice detox. So I'm hoping that helps my body heal.

It's been a tough year but I hope soon things will sort themselves out and I can start working again etc and really get on with life. i have so many plans and dreams.... it's time for them to happen :)

Today I have my woman's health appointment - hopefully that's all normal this time too. Fed up of being probed.

Anywhooooo, hopefully things are on the up! My hair is growing back (which I'm excited about) and I have some muscle again.

x

Woop woop

So a few weeks ago I had my final pet. The results are in: clear :) I am so relieved!! I was terrified I would still have cancer and so am so happy that there was nothing there.

I am now looking to get back in shape. It's hard because I still have the clots in my lungs but I am trying my best at the insanity work out and I am eating well. Chemo makes a lot of people put on weight, which I did, and I think it's nice to take back the control! Also, I want to minimise ever getting ill again. I plan to stay healthy :)

Sadly friends have not improved. Not even a congratulation txt. Too busy getting drink I'm sure. So I am off enjoying my life and I will make friends that actually care about me. It's made me cross and its upset me. And now I'm over it. I can't even be bothered with it. Just remember, there are lame people in life and things like this show you who those people are. There are also amazing people and I know a few of those too and things like this make you cherish them more.

Also, you meet you new people. People who help you and inspire you. And I'm thankful to have met some of those people. Thank you to them. It means a lot to me :)

Now I am off to pick up some undies from m and s. that's how I roll.

I am so happy I can enjoy this lovely weather and not have to have chemo :) it would have been horrific. So thank you life for saving the weather for when I was chemo free!!

Anxiously waiting my results on the 25th but I'm sure all will be fine. In the mean time I have been eating better and have ordered the Insanity workout to get myself back in shape. I'm also working on my freckle collection (I don't tan - I just get freckles!!) Except my feet.... my feet tan. Makes for an interesting look.

I have decided to slowly ween people out of my life that have only really given a shit about themselves. Hopefully soon lots of work will appear and I can start earning and create a new life for myself. That will be good. In with the positive :) and the good :) and the fun :) It may take a while to totally get my confidence back and feel great but I will get there. It's been tough but I know I can get through a whole load of shit now. People seem to think that once you stop chemo you're fine. It's not true. You get depressed and stuff and need cheering up still. But life is sorting itself out.

Lots of love and positive thoughts to all you guys fighting cancer or recovering from it

xx

catch up

Hey,

So I haven't blogged in a while, but thought I would catch up tonight. So last week I went away with the YCT in Bournemouth. It was really nice to meet other young people who had had cancer and it was great to socialise and get away for a bit. We went water boarding, banana boating, horse riding.... all sorts. It was a good laugh. I do still think it's a shame though that this is the only thing offered to people upto 30 years old. But I'm working on changing that :) And hopefully one day there will be stuff for people of all ages. Especially young adults upto 40 who really need the support.

Today I had my PET scan so have to wait till the 25th to find out the results of that.

Weather is good at the moment so thinking about doing some outdoor activities. Not sure what yet. Really need to get fit again and healthy. Is important!!

Anyway - that's all that's really happened recently. Just trying to sort my life out.

My hair is growing :D so I really will be annoyed if my cancer is still there because I don't want to lose my hair again!!

ouchie

My port is now gone (and hopefully for good). The operation hurt a lot. I was not sedated at all and pretty nervous due to the experience of having it put in. I lay on the operating table and they stuck in the dreaded local. But at least I had someone talking to me this time and I didn't have a big cloth over my head. Which was an improvement. Straight after the anesthetic was in the surgeon picked up his knife. I looked at him and asked if it'd be numb that quickly. He assured me yes. It was not. I felt very much the knife cut open my skin. This followed with me saying OW very loudly. The surgeon then gave me more local anesthetic. The rest of the op was bearable but painful at times. It hurt when he squeezed the port out and I could feel the needle at intervals when he was stitching me up. But overall, it took about 10 minutes so at least it wasn't prolonged.

I then went home and was happy because it didn't hurt at all. Yeeeeeah, this wasn't long lived. By about 9pm I was in a lot of pain. I didn't sleep till about 4am because the incision was throbbing and would sometimes burn and send a shooting pain out. Worst of all, I'm not really supposed to take any pain killers because I'm on blood thinners soooo I avoided those.

But hey-ho. I am still sore today but glad my port is gone. All is left now is to get my final PET and hope for an all clear :)

I've learned a lot this year and I've learned a lot about a lot of people as well. And I know that when I get back on track and everything starts to fall into place, things will be very different. I don't hold grudges or resent anyone. I've just lost a lot of respect for some people and it has been hurtful but having cancer has shown me a lot of truth. And I can go on and live a positive and happy life and know what truly matters. It's hard to accept everything that has happened sometimes and I've struggled with that. But I know things will pick up soon :) Obviously I have 6 months of blood thinners and what not but that's not the end of the World. I feel lucky to be alive and (although I've become extra emotional) I know this experience has benefited me and made me a better person.

good good

Good news - they have agreed to give me a PET scan :) so hopefully it'll come back clear and I can be reassured.

Also, port is coming out on monday. That's gonna be painful but be glad to be rid of it!

x