Limbo

I am unsure how to feel at the moment. My life seems to have stopped. I'm in this strange land between diagnosis and treatment and I don't really know what's going to happen next or how long I will be ill for or what this years is going to hold for me.

The entire of 2013 so far has been not so nice. I buried my nan on the 4th January and was told I had cancer on the 7th. I don't think I've fully absorbed it all yet. Some days I feel sad. Some days I feel nothing. It's bizarre.

My arm is still aching like crazy after the biopsy on my shoulder. It's been over 3 weeks now. I also have not gained full feeling back in my thumb; it's just sore and pins and needley. It's a pain in the bum and sometimes stops me from sleeping because it aches so much.

But alas, I will not let any of this defeat me!! I know that I will kick this cancers arse and it'll all be fine. I just want to get on with it. I have cancer - there is nothing I can do to change that. But i can use this opportunity to better my life and understand what others might be going through. And I know that chemotherapy (or whatever they decide to give me) will stop me from dying and I embrace it. I have so much to live for.

My advice to everyone is to live your life. Don't stay in a job you hate or do stuff that makes you sad. Find what it is that makes you smile and makes you happy and hold onto it and follow that path instead. I'm 24 years old, I've had epilepsy, a giant pulmonary embolism and now cancer. Trust me when I say anything can happen to you, so don't waste a minute of your day. Life is so beautiful and so precious and the World is so beautiful too. Yes, shit happens. But you have to focus on the good and the positive. It's what makes magic happen :) 

when I am better I am going to continue to act. And I want to see more of the World and just be with my boyfriend and be happy and do everything we ever wanted to do. I'm also going to eat so much more healthily and take up more sport. I will learn to love running!! haha

The hardest part of all of this is feeling alone. It's difficult because no one around me knows what I'm going through and most people don't know what to say and it's very lonely. I get sad sometimes because I feel like I have no one I can really talk to. And I also feel sad because everything I planned to do this year is slowly going down the pan. Which is a horrible feeling when you have an amazing job lined up - I hope so much I can still do it and they'll understand.

I'm so glad I have such a lovely boyfriend. He is the best :)

Adios for now Amigos!