I'm trying to decide what is worse: Pulmonary emboli or cancer. Quite honestly, I find the whole concept of having multiple clots in me (that could decide to move and kill me) a lot scarier than the lymphoma. At least with the lymphoma I knew it wasn't going to move much and my risk of instant death was pretty slim. Yes the chemo is shit (and gave me the blood clots) but at the moment I'm stuck in bed and when I walk about I get out breath. Also got headaches and totally paranoid about having clots in my legs and neck (as these areas weren't checked). I'm sure there are none but everyone says how ports can give you clots and it's playing on my mind. But I've lived through a clot before and I can do it again!!

I want to start being healthy again soon and healing my body - not sure how well exercise is going to go now my lungs are bummered, but I guess I just take it slowly and do my best! And by 2014 everything should be fine :)

For me at the moment the big thing is do I stop the chemo? If my PET is clear and I don't have cancer are the risks of having a cardiac arrest and/or a stroke greater than the risk of cancer? I think most people will agree, the risk of cancer is a better option as I can optimise my immune system through diet and eradicate the risk. Whereas if I have heart failure or a stroke due to more clotting because I continue chemo, I'm pretty fucked for life.

Anyone reading this who is healthy, please don't take your health for granted. Look after yourself and don't make excuses which prevent you from being the best you you can be. I'm reading this book called "Anti-cancer; a new way of life" by Dr David Servan-Schreiber. I recommend it to everyone. Cancer or no cancer. At the end of the day giving up crap and preventing illness is so much easier than being ill. So put down your burger, grab an apple and take up exercise :)

I know that I've been depressive and grumpy recently (it's not usually how I am). I'm just a bit fed up and all of this is a lot of deal with. My nausea has been horrific and I honestly can't describe how bad it is. And now with the clots and the breathing and the extra worry I kinda feel like I've been drowned in poop this year. When I thought bad couldn't get worse, it got extra worse. But I'm praying and hoping it's all good from here. And in a few weeks I'll be bouncing about, happy as Larry!

And then I would like to inspire people to live better. Also would like to go on a very long holiday to a nice exotic beach location where I can scuba and relax and have fun.